You’ve circled this mountain long enough, go north“—Deuteronomy 2:3
One of my dearest friends first introduced this verse to me in Fall 2015. At the time, I was beginning outpatient treatment for my eating disorder and completing my third year of pharmacy school. Entering treatment meant I had to face both the physical ramifications (e.g., bone loss, heart changes, hormonal imbalances) and emotional aspects (strained relationships, moments of hopelessness, lack of confidence) of my illness head on. Neither aspect was particularly appealing, and I found myself wanting to remain on auto-pilot (see also: denial).
After confiding these reservations to this particular friend, she responded with this verse. I had been “circling the mountain” (recovery) for “long enough” (~5 years) and it was time to “turn north” (see also: put on your big girl panties to do the hard work and accept the hard truths).
My journey has had several ups and downs since that conversation, but this verse still resonates with me, and I intend to use it as I pursue permanent recovery today.
Over the years, I have accumulated many dreams that my eating disorder told me I could not pursue:
- Start a blog
- Be a yoga or barre3 instructor
- Be a dog mama
And over the years, the eating disorder has won. Fortunately, I had a sentinel event in the past week that has reinvigorated my pursuit of health and happiness. I am turning north, and I have hope that the journey up the mountain will be filled with:
- The great outdoors
- Trying new recipes
- Sleeping in
Now, I’m also aware that the journey will be filled with some less-pleasant emotions and events, too (I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t already had some in the past week), but my hope is that the optimism always overcomes the despair and that by sharing my journey, I can inspire others and stay tenacious in my own pursuit of health.